


CHOCOLATE

by jhsdhalr



Category: Torchwood
Genre: F/F, M/M, Sexual Content
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-01-28
Updated: 2012-01-28
Packaged: 2017-10-30 06:01:26
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,267
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/328538
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/jhsdhalr/pseuds/jhsdhalr
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Jack receives a gift of Chocolate which has unfortunate effects on everyone in the Hub.</p>
            </blockquote>





	CHOCOLATE

**Author's Note:**

> This is crack and contains some sex.

It was a perfectly normal day. Everything was exactly as normal. Tosh was deep in something that required her to spend hours fiddling with hundreds of numbers on her monitors. Owen was playing games. Gwen was researching some event that had happened in 1934 and printing off loads of info on it. Ianto was cleaning. Jack was in his office fiddling with some paperwork. Then a delivery arrived. Ianto accepted it and signed a docket for it. It was a huge box addressed to JH. Ianto called Jack over to open it. Tosh, Gwen and Owen all came over as well to see what was in the box. Jack sat on the floor with the box and opened it. It contained chocolate. Lots and lots of chocolate. Ianto thought he had never seen so much chocolate in one place before outside a store.

"Chocolate" said Jack, removing a box of Milk Tray and opening it right away "I love chocolate."

"Who's it from?" asked Gwen.

"Some nut he's met and shagged probably" said Owen rather viciously. He was actually really jealous. No-one ever sent HIM huge boxes full of chocolate.

"It's probably from Jake" said Jack, in a matter of fact tone "he said he was sending me something I'd like, so this must be it."

"Oh" said Owen, sounding sarcastic "Jake."

"Who's Jake?" asked Gwen.

"He's a fuck buddy" said Jack.

Tosh, who seemed sometimes to have led a really sheltered existence said "what's a fuck buddy?" Then she thought about it and added "Is it what it sounds as if it is?"

"We meet" Jack explained "we go someplace, we fuck."

"Lovely" said Owen.

"He has a huge cock" said Jack, he gestured into the box "take your pick."

Everyone hurried to obey and for the next half hour they just ate chocolate. This made them thirsty so Ianto went and made coffee and tea. They drank all the tea and all the coffee and went back to devouring chocolate. Then Ianto made more tea and coffee. Then they ate more chocolate. This routine went on for some time. In fact, it went on until the box containing the chocolate was completely empty. By then all five of them were sitting on the floor in a circle around the box.

Gwen looked in the box and gave a wail of anguish "there's none left" she cried and began to sob.

"I feel sick" said Tosh "I think it was that last box of Belgium Chocolate I ate. It must have been a bit off."

Owen found he was looking at Ianto's fingers with interest. Was that chocolate he could see on them, he wondered. He made a grab for them but Jack got there first. Ianto sat calmly letting Jack suck his fingers. Owen looked around and spotted a chocolate stain on Tosh's pants near the knee. He bent over and sucked it off. It was delicious. Soon there was no chocolate visible anywhere. They had even licked some off the floor.

"Is he likely to send some more?" Owen asked, at length. He felt slightly nauseated but it was, he decided, not because of the chocolate.

"I don't know" said Jack "I didn't know he was going to send any anyhow."

"So they might not have been from him then?" Tosh sighed.

"He said he was sending something I'd like" Jack explained "I like chocolate." He realized as he said it that this sounded somewhat strange. He wondered for a moment if he had imagined it. Then he licked his lips, tasted chocolate and forgot what he was thinking about.

"Fuck" Owen snarled "we might have all been poisoned."

"Wouldn't we be dead by now?" asked Gwen.

"Not necessarily" Owen commented "we might not get sick until some hours have past. Does anyone feel like they're dying?"

Ianto, Gwen, Tosh and Jack all raised their hands. Owen groaned. He decided to stand up. This proved to be impossible. His legs appeared to have developed a mind of their own and seemed to be totally unconnected with the rest of his body. He flopped over Tosh, moaning. Tosh pushed him off and he ended up laying on Jack. This was not unpleasant so he stayed there.

"We have to make some decisions" Jack announced and immediately found himself incapable of making any. He wriggled out from under Owen and moved closer to Ianto. Ianto leaned against him and they held hands. It was surprisingly romantic but the mood was spoiled by Tosh throwing up on Gwen. Everyone attempted to move away from Tosh. This was a complete waste of time because then Owen threw up too, followed by Gwen, Ianto and Jack one after the other. Gwen found it all very distressing.

"What a waste of chocolate" she cried in anguish.

"We could always eat it again" Jack suggested.

This idea was not received with any enthusiasm. Although they all thought about it for a moment. Finally they decided to get up and with enormous difficulty and a great deal of leaning on each other and moaning and groaning they managed it. The Hub seemed to be very bright and the floor was moving in a disturbing way.

Gwen was particularly upset by the moving floor. She clung to Tosh and moaned "why doesn't anyone make it stop?"

"We've been drugged" said Owen clinging onto the nearest desk for support, which happened to belong to Tosh.

"You'd better take a sample and test it" said Jack. He and Ianto were keeping upright by hanging on to each other, which neither found TOO unpleasant.

"We ate it all" Owen pointed out.

"Most of it came back up" said Jack truthfully "it's everywhere."

Owen sighed and slowly and carefully went to fetch something to hold chocolate vomit in. He had never realized before just how far away the Medical facilities in the Hub were. They were MILES away. It was totally inconvenient, he thought. It was going to take him days to reach them and days to get back and probably even more days to scrape enough testing material off the floor.

Gwen managed to sit down in Tosh's chair and Tosh sat on her lap since Gwen's work station was definitely out of reach. Ianto and Jack sat back down on the floor and Ianto kissed Jack's left ear. He had intended to kiss his mouth but couldn't seem to locate it. Since kissing seemed to be a good idea Tosh twisted round on Gwen and kissed her. Gwen was a bit surprised but Tosh had a very nice mouth, she thought, so, what the hell.

Jack thought that removing his pants might be helpful. He had a hard on and it wasn't in a very comfortable position as it was poking down the left leg of his pants. "I need to take off my pants" he told Ianto.

"Yes" said Ianto, and started to try to remove his own pants without any success whatever "my coordination has gone" he lamented.

Jack tried to help Ianto and Ianto tried to help Jack. They squirmed and struggled and finally got each others pants undone. Jack was not wearing any underwear but Ianto had boxers which he pushed down without much difficulty. Jack groaned with relief as his cock sprang out and up, banging Ianto on the chin on the way. They were then faced with the problem of what to do next.

"I can't get up" Jack complained.

Ianto looked at Jack's cock. "You are up" he said.

"Not that bit" Jack sighed "the whole works."

Ianto found that amazingly funny and started to laugh. Jack laughed too although he hadn't any idea at all why Ianto was laughing. Finally Ianto managed to roll on top of Jack and actually kiss his mouth. Then he sat up a bit and grabbed Jack's cock. He got hold of his own and held them together with difficulty in his hands. Then he began to rub them rather clumsily. Jack was helpful and sat up too and put his hands over Ianto's. The whole experience was extremely weird and went on for what seemed weeks. Finally, Ianto gave up. "I can't come" he said, staring at his cock with dismay. It looked much larger than it had ever looked before and much redder too. He was impressed with its size but was a bit worried about its color

"I can't either" said Jack "shall I blow you?" he asked very politely.

"Yes please" said Ianto. They both sounded as if they were talking about the weather or something equally innocuous.

Jack bent down and felt dizzy and had to sit up again. "Bring it up nearer my mouth" he instructed Ianto.

"I can't" said Ianto "it's joined on".

Neither of them thought that their conversation and behavior was odd. Jack managed to bend down without being dizzy and put his mouth over the end of Ianto's cock. Ianto sighed and thrust hard into Jack's mouth. Jack coughed and pulled away. Ianto pushed his cock into Jack's face and Jack put his mouth over it quickly before it banged him on the nose. Jack started to suck. Ianto started to thrust again. The next few minutes were occupied by Jack trying not to choke. Ianto didn't come and after a while they changed places and Ianto sucked Jack. In contrast to Ianto, Jack didn't thrust at all. He just let Ianto get on with it. Finally, just as Ianto's mouth and facial muscles were going into a pain filled spasm from overuse, Jack gave a loud incoherent shout and thrust hard down Ianto's throat and came. He seemed to come for ages and ages and Ianto imagined his whole body filling up with Jack's come and exploding and come flying everywhere. This was such an erotic thought that he came himself without any warning or stimulation, spurting all over his own legs and feet. It wasn't the most satisfying sex they'd ever had.

When they both managed to sit up and look around the Hub they discovered that Gwen and Tosh were having a mutual rubbing session of their own, and they'd managed to remove all their clothing too. Owen was on his knees on the floor, ignoring all the activity around him, and scraping vomit into a clear container.

"I'm terribly hungry" said Jack looking at Ianto "have you got any chocolate?"

"No" said Ianto "we'll go down stairs and fuck instead".

"I've just come" Jack sighed.

"Me too" agreed Ianto "I'll go and make some coffee instead then". He got up with difficulty and promptly fell over his pants. He pulled them up and got up again. Looking like a drunk, he weaved off to make coffee. Jack sat and watched Gwen and then Tosh come and then come again. When Tosh came a third time he applauded. Tosh got off Gwen then and stood up and bowed.

Owen had a container full of vomit so he struggled back to the Medical lab to test it. Tosh and Gwen got dressed and Jack put his pants on again. This activity seemed to take a very long time and certainly required a lot of effort. Ianto arrived back with the coffee. They stood around and drank it. None of them dared move much in case they fell over.

"It's been an odd day so far" said Gwen at last, trying to sound normal.

"What's the oddest thing you ever fucked?" asked Jack, putting his empty cup down on Tosh's desk.

"One of my cousins" said Tosh immediately "she's got three nipples."

"I had a very nasty experience with a boy in a wood once" said Gwen "at least, I thought he was a boy, but he turned out to be a girl who wanted to be a boy."

"I had a sheep once" said Jack.

"A real sheep?" Ianto gasped.

"Is there another sort?" Jack muttered "she was very nice. Very quiet. Just baa--ed a bit. And I had a foursome but that wasn't very odd."

"What d'you do in a foursome?" asked Tosh.

"Anything you can think of" Jack explained.

At that point Owen came back carrying a large jug full of pink liquid. "This should fix us" he said, cheerfully "I tried it on myself and I'm fine."

They all looked at Owen to see if he was fine. He seemed fairly normal, except he had a towel wrapped around his head.

Jack pointed at the towel. "Did you wash your hair?" he asked.

"Not exactly" Owen replied hesitantly "er.. the cure does have one unfortunate side effect but I'm sure it wont last long."

"Show us your hair" Jack demanded. Owen removed the towel reluctantly. His hair looked fine, except it was pink. Very pink. After a brief pause they all drank the pink liquid. Within five minutes they all had pink hair. It suited Tosh and Ianto but Gwen and Owen looked terrible. Jack merely looked flamboyant. He went to the nearest bathroom and admired his hair. It shone beautifully and looked in better condition than it had for ages. He was secretly impressed with it.

About an hour later they were all working fairly normally again when another delivery arrived. It was an even bigger box of chocolate. They fed the entire contents to Myfanwy. She seemed unaffected but it was hard to tell. Just in case, Owen put some antidote in her water. The following day all the human Hub occupants were back to normal but they had a pink pterodactyl. 

 

THE END


End file.
